Three days out from being an Empty Nester

And looking back, here are some of my parenting lessons learned...

It’s that time of year when kids of every age stand nervously on the sidewalks with their new backpacks. Then, the familiar sound of school buses returns to the neighborhood with a squeak and a “pssssh” as the air releases from the brakes- signaling it is time to board the bus or if you’re just now leaving the house, you missed it.

This is the first year I haven’t shopped for school supplies, even though the list each year dwindles as textbooks have become digital and laptops replace spiral notebooks.

We also relocated to San Antonio this summer and, for the first time, didn’t choose a house dependent on a specific school district. This Tuesday, our oldest will start his senior year at Texas A&M, and his brother will join him as a freshman. I am overwhelmingly grateful that they will be together. These boys have been thick as thieves growing up in this chaotic military life, and they became each other’s everything: best friends, bunkmates, confidants, venting buddy, fighting partner, and side-kick. They have plans to keep their distance from each other at college and “live their separate lives”; however, we’ll see how that goes, considering their dorms are “a stone’s throw” from each other.

As our neighborhood came alive this week, I watched the buses pass and parents walk with their tiny person or sit in the carpool line. My body, which still holds memories of old emotions, remembered the anxiety…

“Please God, let the other kids and teachers be nice.”

“Please give him a chance, he’s been through a lot.”

“Will they even notice or care that this is their 8th school?”

“Please, dear God, let the school not call me to pick them up on my first free day of uninterrupted quiet.”

Interestingly, all of those same thoughts still rush over me in these last three days before we drop our “kids” off at college. This time, however, I’m not coming to the rescue or bringing their forgotten lunch box, nor will I be calling the school to advocate- and that feels great.

So I thought it would be cathartic for me, and perhaps helpful for those of you still in the thick of parenting, to share a little of what I learned. We still have a lot to learn in the next season, so give me grace and give some to yourself- that is actually the point.

We are all doing the best we can.

1. The Best of Times and Worst of Times: That’s what you will remember. The biggest laughs, the moments where you saw them take risks and overcome overwhelming obstacles, will stand out against the backdrop of the conflicts, the tears, and the heartache of rejection you couldn’t save them from. Sure, you will remember the mundane moments of daily life, but the exhaustion, wearing their snot on your t-shirt, and your anxiety fade as you think about what it felt like to lift them up and embrace their entire body in your arms. Take note of those tiny moments that matter- the feeling of their small hand in yours, the collapse after a tantrum, and the unexpected belly laughs.

2. Middle school is the worst. You know this, but for some reason, we think it will be different for our kids. It is not supposed to be easy. It is developmentally a time for kids to become more socially aware, to fumble through trying to fit in, try on various personas and activities, only to experience rejection, being pushed out of circles, surprisingly accepted in others, while also seeing what they are capable of- and not. These lessons are critical and continue through adulthood. So remember that as they try out for cheerleading, just to be “part of the crowd”, or hang out with a circle that makes you concerned. One of the best moments was when my son came home one day and said, “I think I realized why I should find friends who have similar values.” That opened a new conversation about how to be a part of several circles at once and actually start to define his values. Also, don’t be surprised if this doesn’t happen until college.

3. Support, but chill out on sports. If there is anything I am thrilled about, it is being out of the toxic competition created by parents surrounding sports.

   “What sport does your kid play?” “Oh, don’t you think your kid should be in sports?” “You know, sports are the best thing you could encourage your kid to do.”

   Not true for everyone.

   I believe it is important for kids to try team sports from a young age. The one thing I regret was not helping them pick one sport that they could find in every location we moved to, not so they could become a sports star, but so they could experience their body getting stronger and build confidence in a skill. At the same time, though, we did the best we could, considering every location was different. We tried soccer, flag football, karate, taekwondo, tennis, wrestling, and more; no wonder Matt and I are also exhausted. The truth is, not every kid will love sports. If your kids do, awesome, support them, but don’t assume every kid will. By the time kids hit late middle school and high school, other interests emerge. If your kid loves art, drama, music, STEM, writing, or any other extracurricular activity over sports- that is also good thing. The parenting goal is to teach a healthy relationship with your body and to learn how to work on a team- and, by the way, have a little bit of fun. Parents, we need to take it down a notch or three.

4. No more than two activities. The best advice I heard and applied was to let your kids sign up for no more than two extracurricular activities. Some will argue with me on this, but I found that more than that became stressful and impacted other areas (like academics). After academics, sports, jobs, clubs that come with a commitment, etc- all count. Getting into college is more difficult than ever- with applications requiring extracurricular activities, job experience, and “proof that you were a good citizen in your community.” Don’t let that define your parenting style, overcommitting your kids and stealing the joy of living life at a doable pace.

5. They will figure it out. I didn’t believe it, but I do now. A mentor told me, “Get them to 18 and they will start to figure it out.” I am convinced that the magic season is 10th grade through the summer before their senior year. Things start to click, confidence begins to build, and for both my boys, it was the college application that shifted everything. A simple essay answering “the most difficult experience of your life and what it taught you” forced both of them to move from a victim mentality to seeing how far they have come.

   Additionally, almost everything that I stressed about has gotten better (note I didn’t say everything). Whether it was medical scares, bullying, stressing over sports, finding healthy friends, learning to organize themselves, and so much more, things smoothed out over time as they learned to make good choices and take responsibility. You will play a part in all of these steps if you make yourself available, but champion them to try. Our life and our boys are far from perfect (remember, no competition). What I am saying is, they figure out life as they live life. Stress about it less now, trust the process, they will gradually get there.

6. Some things will not resolve- and that is life too. Whether it is neurodiversity, medical diagnoses, or that your brain’s capacity for understanding math caps out at Algebra 1- we all have limits. The sooner you accept them, the sooner you can help them accept them. Which leads me to…

7. Grieve who you wanted your kids to become. It is not your story to write; it never was. This is their story, and they have to write it. I will never forget a father who told me that once he grieved and let go of the picture he had for his son, the sooner he was able to accept who his son actually is and have a relationship with him. You cannot build a relationship with the imaginary person in your head. Feed them with good values, model healthy habits as best as you can, hold them accountable for major life choices, but listen, listen, listen. I believe the biggest goal is to show them you are safe and available.

8. Not everything can be in the C Basket. I can’t remember who taught it to me, but they said you have three baskets-

   • A Basket- where everything is permissible. This might be letting them decorate their room, a toy or game room where they can play anything they want during free time, or anything else where they get full decision-making power.

   • B Basket- Negotiable decisions. Green hair? You may not want it in the A Basket, but is it really going to harm them? Consider letting them decorate their room, pick out their clothes, and make other decisions in the basket. You may not like the choice, but it is not a deal breaker.

   • C Basket- Non-negotiable. Kids playing in the street may have been a Gen X average day, but if your kids don’t know how to watch for cars, this may be where you step in. Drugs? Alcohol? These are the topics where you say, “I’m sorry, but I have to step in.” We are all tempted to put more in this basket than we should. I heard one expert say about church, “We go to church as a family, but when they turn 16, they get to choose.” I thought it was a powerful way to let them own their spirituality, open great conversations on what they believe, and prepare them to navigate that freedom when they become adults.

9. Tag team as parents. One of the decisions I am most grateful for is Matt and I learned how to “tag-team” our parenting. We can be pretty neurotic when we are together (imagine being the child of a therapist and a chaplain). We knew that early on and knew we could overwhelm our kids if we weren’t careful. We made a lot of mistakes, but I appreciate the times when Matt would see me getting worked up and would gently tap me on the shoulder to signal I needed a break. I did the same for him.

10. Finally, don’t let the wounds come out of your mouth. None of us will be perfect at this, but the times when I “lost it” and regretted my anger or words toward my kids had more to do with my “stuff” than what was happening in the moment. Apologize if it happens, be honest with them that it triggered something deeper, then go figure it out. Then share with them how you are growing- but aim to catch when you are leading out of your wounding. This is also critical as you get closer to empty nesting. Matt and I have been preparing for this season for years now, knowing that once the buffer of the kids is gone, whatever wounds we have not addressed could impact this season. We have been open, honest, and continue to focus on our individual healing while also making plans to have fun, enjoy new adventures, and fill our upcoming time and mental space with some much deserved celebration.

As an added bonus, I asked my 21-year-old this morning to give his perspective on my list for you, and he offered a few based on my question, “What did I do well and what did I not do well?” It turned into an amazing two-hour conversation. Here is what he shared from his Gen Z perspective.

1. Keep an open mind and don’t live vicariously through your children. Your experience growing up is very different from today. Trust your kids when they tell you that.

2. It’s ok if your kid is struggling with certain subjects. This might be clues of talent rather than weakness. Be gentle since these are formative years.

3. Unless you have a good reason to homeschool, don’t be afraid to send your kids to public school. (I know this is controversial, but he wanted to share it from his perspective of college and leading cohorts beneath him in the Corps of Cadets.) While homeschooling can instill good values, he has seen college students struggle to understand certain social contexts because they haven’t been exposed to them. As difficult as it was to be bullied, it taught him how to be assertive, accept other perspectives, and deal with difficult people. It also taught the importance of self-awareness. As harsh as it sounds, seeing how you impact the world around you builds character and helps you watch for social cues. (Both boys told me this). If you are concerned about the exposure they will have of diverse or contradictory values, it is more important that kids feel safe to talk through what they are seeing/hearing about it at home. Not everyone grew up in the same household or circumstances, and learning that was crucial for navigating relationships in college. They will eventually launch into the world, prepare them by exposing it to them and learning to navigate in it.

   *Note from Corie- there were some things we kept in the C basket during younger years, like access to the internet, social media, and other topics. We gradually opened up more and more to prepare them for independence at college.

4. Your kids will be more successful if you teach them to love, rather than teaching them to be right. Far too many students come into college with a narrow understanding of the world and have unfortunately learned from their parents how to fight before learning to be curious.

   “It takes more energy to frown than it does to smile. It takes more to hate than it does to love.” (Aidan Weathers)

   I hope this felt encouraging to you this week as you navigate whatever season you find yourself in. I share with others that I am grateful that our kids are not scarred (so far) by military life, but that doesn’t mean I would want to do it again and ask it of them again if I had the choice. But suffering builds character- if you work at it, and this week, I am grateful.

Enjoy the season you are in, each one is priceless- even if you don’t have kids and are hoping that changes.

Much love,